I struggled silently for my entire first year of motherhood, but I don't know when it began. Maybe it began at her birth. My labor did not go as I had hoped and in many ways I felt like I failed. Nursing did not go as I had hoped due to a poor latch from undiagnosed tongue and lip ties. Again, I felt like a failure. I remember when my daughter was as young as two weeks old, I felt like I was not doing enough for her despite constantly pumping for her and tending to her needs. I didn't feel as attached to her as I thought I should. I thought for sure that this is just part of the chaos of being a new mother. As time went on, things did not really change.
I have a very busy schedule. I work 42.5 hours a week, attend school via online courses full time, we have 3 or more family obligations every week, and when you throw in the noise of chores, it made sense that I never felt like I was doing enough for my daughter. I would cry because sometimes it really bothered me that I could count on one hand the amount of quality hours I would get to spend with her on a weekday. I thought maybe I needed to back off my schedule because it was not worth the guilt but I chose not to back off because I knew if I lightened up on my courseload I would never go back or finish. I would sacrifice sleep to get things done after she went to bed. As the months went on, Ryan took on more. He took over the laundry, loading and unloading the dishwasher, making sure we had clean cloth diapers. He would literally do anything I asked to try to take some of the stress off of me.
Eventually, I got tired of feeling like I was drowning every day. I literally felt like I was drowning. I constantly felt that I needed to live day to day because if I thought past the current day, I would become overwhelmed with anxiety, fear, guilt, and so many other emotions. I constantly felt like an emotional train wreck and I was just one mishap from spending an hour crying. Furthermore, I didn't feel that I had anyone to really talk to about any of this because I did not know how to describe it. I did not necessarily want anyone to take things away from me, I just wanted to feel normal and I knew that no one could give that to me. I knew that I needed to find it myself. The problem is, I never found it. After a year of silently struggling, I decided to talk to my doctor about my feelings. My doctor prescribed something for me to try. I really did not want to go on medicine because I felt like that meant I was broken so I asked for the lowest dose possible.
I spent about two weeks ashamed that I needed medication to make it through the day, but I took the medication because I immediately felt the results. It is like an anvil was lifted from my shoulders. About two weeks in, there was a day where I forgot to take my pill. I normally take it in the morning and that day I failed to take it. That evening I had a meltdown and just needed to be alone. While isolating myself, I ran a number of scenarios through my head questioning why I felt like this because I had been doing so well- I had been feeling great and like the old me. It was then that I realized I had skipped my pill that day. I no longer question whether the pills have been a placebo effect. They truly help me.
So, here I am, airing my business. I am not asking for help or sympathy. I am just sharing my story because I struggled silently for so long because I didn't know what was wrong with me. I didn't know that what I was feeling was an actual condition. I truly felt that I was broken and just maybe not cut out for motherhood, no matter how hard I tried.
I am what postpartum depression looks like and that is okay. Eventually, I will feel better and I will not need medication to help me through the day, but until that day comes, I am okay with where I am at.
I stumbled upon this the other day and it perfectly sums of everything I have felt. I would often feel multiple symptoms at once, but I never knew what this was. I never thought to look into PPD because I struggled it too strongly to depression and I still had drive to get things done and to get out of bed every day, but there is so much more to PPD than depression.
Postpartum Depression Symptoms
Okay. Here we go. You may have postpartum depression if you have had a baby within the last 12 months and are experiencing some of these symptoms:
- You feel overwhelmed. Not like “hey, this new mom thing is hard.” More like “I can’t do this and I’m never going to be able to do this.” You feel like you just can’t handle being a mother. In fact, you may be wondering whether you should have become a mother in the first place.
- You feel guilty because you believe you should be handling new motherhood better than this. You feel like your baby deserves better. You worry whether your baby can tell that you feel so bad, or that you are crying so much, or that you don’t feel the happiness or connection that you thought you would. You may wonder whether your baby would be better off without you.
- You don’t feel bonded to your baby. You’re not having that mythical mommy bliss that you see on TV or read about in magazines. Not everyone with PPD feels this way, but many do.
- You can’t understand why this is happening. You are very confused and scared.
- You feel irritated or angry. You have no patience. Everything annoys you. You feel resentment toward your baby, or your partner, or your friends who don’t have babies. You feel out-of-control rage.
- You feel nothing. Emptiness and numbness. You are just going through the motions.
- You feel sadness to the depths of your soul. You can’t stop crying, even when there’s no real reason to be crying.
- You feel hopeless, like this situation will never ever get better. You feel weak and defective, like a failure.
- You can’t bring yourself to eat, or perhaps the only thing that makes you feel better is eating.
- You can’t sleep when the baby sleeps, nor can you sleep at any other time. Or maybe you can fall asleep, but you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep no matter how tired you are. Or maybe all you can do is sleep and you can’t seem to stay awake to get the most basic things done. Whichever it is, your sleeping is completely screwed up and it’s not just because you have a newborn.
- You can’t concentrate. You can’t focus. You can’t think of the words you want to say. You can’t remember what you were supposed to do. You can’t make a decision. You feel like you’re in a fog.
- You feel disconnected. You feel strangely apart from everyone for some reason, like there’s an invisible wall between you and the rest of the world.
- Maybe you’re doing everything right. You are exercising. You are taking your vitamins. You have a healthy spirituality. You do yoga. You’re thinking “Why can’t I just get over this?” You feel like you should be able to snap out of it, but you can’t.
- You might be having thoughts of running away and leaving your family behind. Or you’ve thought of driving off the road, or taking too many pills, or finding some other way to end this misery.
- You know something is wrong. You may not know you have a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder, but you know the way you are feeling is NOT right. You think you’ve “gone crazy”.
- You are afraid that this is your new reality and that you’ve lost the “old you” forever.
- You are afraid that if you reach out for help people will judge you. Or that your baby will be taken away.
So, if you made it this far, thanks for reading. I wrote this because I want to help normalize and talk about PPD in hopes that it can help someone else who isn't feeling quite 'right'. PPD has such a negative stigma yet it is something fairly common that new mothers will experience. For some moms, it will only last a very short time. Some moms will be able to manage their PPD symptoms without medication. Every story is different because every situation is different. This is my story.
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